Remus's Struggles
by sophie.f22
Summary: This is my first try at fan fiction- please rate and review!  takes place in Marauders
1. Chapter 1

Sitting on his bed, Remus looked longingly out the dorm window onto the school grounds. Every year his trunks had been placed at the foot of the bed perpendicular to the far wall. He didn't mind; unlike Peter Pettigrew, who slept on the third wall, across from Sirius and only next to the chests that held their belongings. Peter was filled with insecurities, and always sought approval from the rest of the boys. Sirius and James's beds were along the same wall as Remus's, with Sirius in the middle and James next to the door. Sirius and James, with Peter always tagging along, were full of boastful pride and conceitedness, always social and flirting with girls. Remus on the other hand, was content sitting quietly and doing schoolwork. This was part his love of learning, and the small enjoyment he found in success. However, there was a small part of him hidden beneath his quiet demeanor that was full of turmoil.

Again, it happened. The bold, good-looking boy from the glass compartment across the train isle had made eye contact with him. Flustered, Remus looked out the window, watching the countryside speed by. The nerves from beginning his first year at Hogwarts were not helped by the butterflies in his stomach this mysterious black haired boy was conjuring up. Suddenly, the train went around a sharp bend in the track. Remus swung his head around as he heard a loud thump. A bag fell from atop a holding shelf, hitting the good-looking boys friend. That one, a tall boy with glasses, grabbed his head in mock pain and screeching loudly, with the obvious intention on scaring other passengers and causing a disturbance. The boy Remus was so intrigued by doubled over in laughter. Annoyance filled Remus, disgusted by their arrogance, their carelessness for others. He stared out the window again with a hardened disappointment.

Finally, the train pulled to a stop. Remus changed into his robes as older students passed by his compartment to exit. As he moved to get up and leave, a sniffling boy stumbled heavily down the corridor, lugging a trunk bigger then himself. The handsome boy with the black hair slid open his compartment door, sneering "You're supposed to leave it on the train and it gets moved to our rooms by magic. Everyone knows that."

"Oh come-on, not everyone was raised as such pure-blood royalty as yourself, Sirius" The boy with glasses seemed to take pity on the distressed 11 year old shaking in the isle. "C'mon, put your things in our compartment. You too", noticing Remus watching them.

"I'm P-p-p-peter Pet-t-tigrew"

"Remus Lupin"

"Sirius Black"

"And I'm James Potter" The boys walked as new comrades to the boats that would take them to Hogwarts.


	2. Chapter 2

That was three years ago. The four boys had grown through gawky puberty and now are fifteen. They had sprouted up, except for Peters miniscule growth spurt. What had started out as a nervous friendship had bloomed, gone through ups and downs, alliances and animosity. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were now inseparable. Through the years James found his first love with the beautiful Lily Evans, who unfortunately did not reciprocate the crush. Sirius had turned into an all around flirt, turning from a snobby little brat destined for Slytherin into a handsome young man proud to represent Gryffindor, whose chivalrous behavior drew attention from all the girls. While James was a loud prat, who was always a good time, Remus was there when Sirius needed a break from the ruckus. Remus enjoyed watching his and James's antics, and was always a member of the planning and performance of the pranks they all loved to play. Sirius usually thought of what the prank would be while Remus and James were usually the brains of the operations, not letting Peter do a thing unless James insisted. They started calling themselves the Marauders after they had seen a muggle movie about pirates over Christmas holiday. They were known throughout the school for their mischievous yet (for the most part) harmless pranks. Remus and Sirius's friendship was such a quiet thing. It had started their first year when at night lying in their four-post beds, Sirius asked nervously, "Is anyone awake?"

"I am. I can't sleep"

"Me neither"

Remus and Sirius stayed up through the night telling each other stories about their childhood. Remus learned about Sirius's pureblood upbringing, the pride the family found in having legacy in Slytherin house, and Sirius's fear of disappointing them by being placed in Gryffindor. Sirius learned about Remus being brought up with never enough food to be full, his parents shouting over him arguing about money. He could barely afford to come to Hogwarts. That was the first and not the only night that they fell asleep to each other's breathing.

This tradition of talking one another to sleep continued. They went from stories about themselves to advice seeking to their hopes and dreams. The boys found comfort in the trust they found in one another. When Remus was bitten by a werewolf before his third year, James was the one to think of their plan to go with him during his transformation. Sirius was the one to comfort him when he stayed up at night crying. His friends meant the world to Remus, but why wasn't he with them now? From the window he could see them running around through the puddles, splashing and making a mess. Remus instantly could tell which was Sirius, even through the pouring rain. He could tell from that mess of usually neat black hair, from his tall and strong build leaning jumping up to catch the frisbee they had been tossing around. His heart leapt as Sirius glanced up at the window after making the catch, where he knew Remus would be watching.


	3. Chapter 3

After painfully breaking eye contact with Sirius, Remus turned away, hanging his legs off the side of the bed, staring blankly at the wall. He loved him. It had taken him years to come to terms with this feeling. Why was everything wrong with him! He was a werewolf, he had feelings for his closest and most dear friend, what was going to happen next? He would become cursed? All the happiness that came with seeing Sirius disappeared into his negativity. I have the worst luck, Remus miserably thought.

However, he had found a wonderful mentor whom he trusted. Back in October, Transfiguration Professor Dumbledore had called to talk to Remus after class. He hadn't explicitly mentioned who Remus had liked, but he explained what he was dealing with was nothing to be ashamed of. Out there in the muggle world, having feelings for someone the same sex was fine, he taught Remus. The Professor had actually gone on a bit of a tirade, going on about "Wizards being anti-diverse" and "Arrogant broom-heads thinking uniformity is the only way!". Terrified that someone had discovered his greatest secret, Remus burst into tears.

"Now, now, its alright. I'm a friend Remus, you can trust me. I just want to help you. I know what you're going through, I can help" Professor Dumbledore reassured. Remus did feel comforted, and after that day spent many lunches and evenings having tea with the Professor, learning about how many famous witches and wizards had been closeted like himself. They also talked about mundane topics, such as school, what Remus wanted to do with his life, and his band of friends.

One sunny day, Remus had been sitting in Professor Dumbledore's office when he asked suddenly, "Can I tell Sirius I like him? You know, like in more than a friend way."

Professor Dumbledore leaned on his fingers in deep thought. "What made you want to do this?"

"He's my best friend, and it just feels wrong keeping any sort of secret from him. It may make him feel uncomfortable, but this is a part of me. We've always told eachother everything."

"Well if you feel this way, I'm proud of you. Most people would be too scared to admit this to anyone, let alone the object of their affection. Maybe you could start out with just telling him you have feelings for men, not women?"

Just then, an owl jetted into the room, swiftly dropping an envelope onto the older man's lap. Remus looked around, realizing the time.  
>"Oh I have Potions drat! Thanks for the advice though Professor Dumbledore I have to go! I'll see you around!" he called as he ran out to his next class.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Potions class had already begun by the time Remus slid into the dungeon room. He quietly took a seat near the back of the class, avoiding eye contact with the class. He sat through the class, not paying attention. He had much bigger things to think about. Countless scenarios poured through his mind. Sirius finding out, laughing in his face, Peter and James joining in. Them telling the whole school. His parents discovering what he was, and throwing him out to the streets. Him telling Sirius, then Sirus being too disgusted to even look at him again. All these cases involved Remus losing his best friend. However, a lingering thought stayed with Remus. What if Sirius felt the same way? What if in telling Sirius he was in love with him, their marvelous friendship could become something more? This was tearing him apart. He didn't want to raise hope in fear of being greatly disappointed, yet the ideas of being rejected made Remus sick.

"Oy! Snap ou' of it!" James slapped his broad hand on Remus's desk. He blinked, disturbed from his deep thoughts. "We're off to play exploding snap with Nearly Headless," referring to the ghost of Gryffindor that the Marauders often enjoyed company with. Remus bent to get his books from below the desk, and bumped hands with Sirius who had also gone down to help. A look passed from one boy to the other as they glanced up to each other, and as a moment turned into longer that look turned into more. As they all made their way up to the Gryffindor commons room, Remus couldn't help but think that him and Sirius had shared something back there. Remus could only hope Sirus had the same thought as he watched that head of black hair walk ahead of him through the corridor.

A taller boy walking by Remus's side nudged him. "Look, there's Lily Evans. Should I go bother her again?"

"C'mon James cut it out. You're not going to win her over by this harassment."

"No she likes it, I can tell. I think I'm going to ask her out for the next Hogsmeade next trip."

"I've heard that before. You need to figure out a new game plan mate."

"What bout you? Who're you looking to snog?"

His heart beat fast as Sirius's face appeared in his mind. "Er, I haven't given anyone here much thought. That girl over the summer gave me enough trouble." In August on the train ride, when the boys were catching up from each of their summers, Remus had come to realize he was the only one without a first kiss. Even Peter managed to snog Mildred Pierce, a desperate girl a year younger. Remus wove together a fictional tale of a Muggle girl who shared with him a few lakeside moments around their nearby country houses. He told the boys how she soon became too much, becoming clingy and too attached. They had sympathized, assuring him this year would be a good one. And it had been. Remus and Sirius were closer then ever. Sirius had even confided in him his troublesome relationship with his family, which he hadn't even told James. Sirius revealing such a fear was a big deal, because for him, any sign of vulnerability was a sign of weakness.

With that reassurance of the trust they had with each other, Remus began to feel slightly more comfortable with coming clean with his true feelings. The guilt that had been riding him for keeping this secret from his closest friend was so overwhelming. In a final surge of confidence, he made the decision that this had to be done. Tonight, he would tell him.


End file.
